I know that this blog is generally geared towards my weight loss journey and as such this post may seem a bit off topic. But I consider this blog also a space for me to release a little of my inner thoughts and discover myself. So I may not exactly be focusing on my journey specifically, but self-exploration (aka rambling) is important as well. :)
I don’t know what it is about this time of year that brings out so many conflicting feelings in me. First off, October is my favorite month and autumn js hands down my favorite season. There’s just something about this time of year that I love - the weather, color, atmosphere, mystery - I just adore it. I could walk through a brisk autumn afternoon in the woods all year round if it were possible. There’s just something enticing about the fiery leaves and crisp air. Apple picking, pumpkin carving, costume planning…
Yet for some reason that I can’t explain this time of year also makes me sad. I don’t know why, but for the last few years when October hits I start to feel a little more lonely. It’s not that at this time I hang out with my friends any less or enjoy hanging out with them less. I just start feeling a longing to have a closer relationship with someone.
In the past this, along with my low self-esteem, drove me into relationships that weren’t exactly the best for me. I can’t say that I’ve ever been in a true relationship that was healthy and where we mutually cared for one another. Maybe that’s what I really crave, actually being with someone who simply cares for me and wants to spend time with me. I don’t understand what it is about this autumntime that augments these emotions, maybe it’s as simple as a seasonal mood swing, but it has again snuck up on me and hit me in the back of the head like a ton of bricks.
Those who know me can vouch that I am not good with my emotions. I prefer to stuff them in a little box and tuck them as far up and back on the shelf as possible. It is difficult for me to react to my emotions as I’d much rather rely on my logical nature. So you can understand that when these strong emotions hit me I have a bit of a hard time. And my emotions are annoying because I can’t seem to just get over them in a timely manner - when I crush on someone it’s for a long time and I have a hard time getting it out of my head. I take a while to make friends, but when I do I consider those friends really close and want to be around them. I can get oddly sad or jealous at times about weird things. I’ve never been in love, and it scares me that maybe I will never get the chance to be. I used to worry that I wasn’t good enoug for the friends that I had (much less now that I have more confidence in my self-worth).
It drives me crazy.
Right now I have a few internal dilemmas going on that I’m not sure how to resolve. For a while I was just content to leave all as is and not worry about it. But thay sneaky lonliness has crept in and I don’t know which way to go. I rationally know that I still have a lot of things with and about myself that I need to spend time focusing on and working out, including the continuation of my journey to good health. I also don’t want to feel alone on the journey of my life. I’m definitely not saying that the only way I’ll be happy is by being in a relationship with someone because that’s just rediculous. Yet I’d love to share this newfound self with someone as well.
Ahhh I hate emotional dilemmas!
I think I’ll probably continue to stuff those internal feelings into a box and pretend they’re not there, which I’ve gotten pretty good at doing, I think. Sooner or later I’ll be able to move forward or onto something else. I’d rather not let lonliness turn into desperateness and put myself into an unhealthy situation. I do have a lot of positive things going for me in my life!
Not to mention that October is my favorite month. ;) And I have two awesome Halloween parties to look forward to! No time for my internal dramas :P