I earned 377 points for my workout on Fitocracy!
Elliptical Trainer +251 pts
- 0:25:00 || Intense! (+251 pts)
Ab Crunch Machine +69 pts
- 80 lb x 100 reps (+34 pts)
- 82.5 lb x 100 reps (+35 pts)
Machine Incline Bench Press +57 pts
- 10 lb x 10 reps (+19 pts)
- 10 lb x 10 reps (+19 pts)
- 10 lb x 10 reps (+19 pts)
Think you can beat me, or want to comment?
I know that this blog is generally geared towards my weight loss journey and as such this post may seem a bit off topic. But I consider this blog also a space for me to release a little of my inner thoughts and discover myself. So I may not exactly be focusing on my journey specifically, but self-exploration (aka rambling) is important as well. :)
I don’t know what it is about this time of year that brings out so many conflicting feelings in me. First off, October is my favorite month and autumn js hands down my favorite season. There’s just something about this time of year that I love - the weather, color, atmosphere, mystery - I just adore it. I could walk through a brisk autumn afternoon in the woods all year round if it were possible. There’s just something enticing about the fiery leaves and crisp air. Apple picking, pumpkin carving, costume planning…
Yet for some reason that I can’t explain this time of year also makes me sad. I don’t know why, but for the last few years when October hits I start to feel a little more lonely. It’s not that at this time I hang out with my friends any less or enjoy hanging out with them less. I just start feeling a longing to have a closer relationship with someone.
In the past this, along with my low self-esteem, drove me into relationships that weren’t exactly the best for me. I can’t say that I’ve ever been in a true relationship that was healthy and where we mutually cared for one another. Maybe that’s what I really crave, actually being with someone who simply cares for me and wants to spend time with me. I don’t understand what it is about this autumntime that augments these emotions, maybe it’s as simple as a seasonal mood swing, but it has again snuck up on me and hit me in the back of the head like a ton of bricks.
Those who know me can vouch that I am not good with my emotions. I prefer to stuff them in a little box and tuck them as far up and back on the shelf as possible. It is difficult for me to react to my emotions as I’d much rather rely on my logical nature. So you can understand that when these strong emotions hit me I have a bit of a hard time. And my emotions are annoying because I can’t seem to just get over them in a timely manner - when I crush on someone it’s for a long time and I have a hard time getting it out of my head. I take a while to make friends, but when I do I consider those friends really close and want to be around them. I can get oddly sad or jealous at times about weird things. I’ve never been in love, and it scares me that maybe I will never get the chance to be. I used to worry that I wasn’t good enoug for the friends that I had (much less now that I have more confidence in my self-worth).
It drives me crazy.
Right now I have a few internal dilemmas going on that I’m not sure how to resolve. For a while I was just content to leave all as is and not worry about it. But thay sneaky lonliness has crept in and I don’t know which way to go. I rationally know that I still have a lot of things with and about myself that I need to spend time focusing on and working out, including the continuation of my journey to good health. I also don’t want to feel alone on the journey of my life. I’m definitely not saying that the only way I’ll be happy is by being in a relationship with someone because that’s just rediculous. Yet I’d love to share this newfound self with someone as well.
Ahhh I hate emotional dilemmas!
I think I’ll probably continue to stuff those internal feelings into a box and pretend they’re not there, which I’ve gotten pretty good at doing, I think. Sooner or later I’ll be able to move forward or onto something else. I’d rather not let lonliness turn into desperateness and put myself into an unhealthy situation. I do have a lot of positive things going for me in my life!
Not to mention that October is my favorite month. ;) And I have two awesome Halloween parties to look forward to! No time for my internal dramas :P
I earned 606 points for my workout on Fitocracy!
Elliptical Trainer +271 pts
- 0:27:00 || Intense! (+271 pts)
Cycling (stationary) +196 pts
- 0:17:00 || 5.6 mi (+196 pts)
Barbell Incline Bench Press +139 pts
- 15 lb x 10 reps (+46 pts)
- 15 lb x 10 reps (+46 pts)
- 20 lb x 10 reps (+47 pts)
Think you can beat me, or want to comment?
Can’t stop won’t stop!
I earned 431 points for my workout on Fitocracy!
Elliptical Trainer +251 pts
- 0:25:00 || Intense! (+251 pts)
Cycling (stationary) +120 pts
- 0:12:00 || 3.8 mi (+120 pts)
Ab Crunch Machine +60 pts
- 80 lb x 75 reps (+30 pts)
- 80 lb x 75 reps (+30 pts)
Think you can beat me, or want to comment?
On a quick side note, this past Sunday was exactly 6 months post my gastric bypass surgery. As of right now the scale states 217.5 pounds. That’s almost 100 pounds lost!
Timesure does fly while things change!
And today was my first run. Not a great time or distance by any means. But I did it. Which means I can do it again. And I’ll get better.
<3 Thank you to all those who have been encouraging me and looking out for me the past six months. You help me to remember to look at how far I’ve come and not just how far I have left to go.
Here’s to another amazing six months of transformation!
Made my dive into the world of haunted houses (aka Spooky World) this weekend with reckless abandon. And by reckless abandon I really mean I was anxious as hell while waiting in line for the first attraction. As I have mentioned before, I generally don’t put myself in situations where I have the potential of being frightened, so this was a new venture for me. But my friends had invited me to come along and experiences with these friends have always been a good time, so I decided: why not? Personality-wise I have a hard time getting close to people and as such don’t make friends very easily or readily. Though more and more now I am beginning to realize that some of that is directly correlated with my weight and self-image. I’m beginning to realize just how much I didn’t like myself and how unhappy I was with who I was. To be honest, it’s hard to get other people to like you when you can’t even convince yourself to like you! I’m still not one to go out and make a bunch of friends as I’m generally happy with a smaller group of very close friends, but now I feel like I am able to open up a little more and show people that I am worth getting to know. The weight is slowly melting away and with it the self-loathing that I used to hide behind and use as a shield and excuse.
So I hopped out of my comfort zone and ventured to the land outside my bubble. I was so sure that I would be terrified and unable to make it through all of the haunted attractions.
And to my pleasant surprise, I loved it.
Every step past the zombies, spooks, and creatures had me rolling with laughter. After the first few minutes of the very first haunted graveyard all of my anxiety flew away. Traipsing through undead hickville and psychedelic clowns with my friends made me feel alive – just being a part of the group and taking it as it came. It was exciting to see what was around the next corner, and who would be the next in the group to jump.
The biggest part that I wasn’t even expecting was how much energy I had the whole night. I know that if I had gone last year with the extra weight I would not have been able to last the 6+ hours of standing and walking around the park. And I was bouncing around! It just felt so good to be moving. Even as we stood in line to wait for each attraction I couldn’t help but dance around or bounce on my toes, just because. I have NEVER had this much energy except when I was very little. I recall many trips where just a bit of standing around or walking around would tire me out and leave me unable to fully enjoy the experience. I knew that losing weight would give me more energy, but I had never really put two and two together for what great results would come from it!
I’m learning to give life a try. The outcome can be better than you can even imagine.
I earned 48 points for my workout on Fitocracy!
Running +48 pts
- 0:20:25 || 1.2 mi (+48 pts)
- First time running! Had to stop every few minutes, but I know I’ll get better!
Think you can beat me, or want to comment?
I earned 478 points for my workout on Fitocracy!
Elliptical Trainer +221 pts
- 0:22:00 || Intense! (+221 pts)
Cycling (stationary) +257 pts
- 0:22:00 || 7.1 mi (+257 pts)
Think you can beat me, or want to comment?
