Yesterday I did something I have been meaning to do for a while now - tackle the beast that is my closet. Though now I had a second purpose in mind - clearing out most of the clothes that are too big for me to wear comfortably anymore. It was kind of like a purge of old things I have been hanging on to and helped me release te connection with the point in my life where I was my unhealthiest. It took me a good solid couple of hours to really go through everything (I have a lot of clothes collected over years and years) and ended up with 3 bags of articles to donate. It felt good to try on some of the things I had sitting around in my closet that had gotten too small to fit comfortably and find that they are starting to be a little too large for me. 

I am going to wait before I go and purchase a new wardrobe, however. This isn’t the end. I’ll definitely have to stop and go through my closet again at another point in time, maybe a few more times. I don’t have a size that I’m shooting for exactly, or even a target weight. I just want to get to a point in my life and weight that I am healthy and happy with myself. And even there I don’t want to stop. I want to continue being healthy and maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle. These tools and the things that I have learned are going to stay a part of my life. This isn’t just to get to a point that I’m just okay with and settle there. I don’t need to settle and be simply complacent - I have been complacent far too long with how I control my life.

A week ago I attending the wedding of two good friends and had a fantastic time! I wore the purple dress I had purchased for a wedding last year and had my mother take in parts of it so it would fit my current body a bit better. Usually at public events such as weddings where there are a lot of people that I don’t know I am too reserved and self-conscious to really enjoy myself. I always worried that people were noticing me as I was bigger, that maybe what I was wearing didn’t fit me well and I didn’t look good, and other such asinine worries. I know people generally don’t sit and pick at people’s looks and outfits all the time, especially at social events like weddings, but I never could get over my own self-doubt and discomfort with how I looked. This time I decided that, yes I am still overweight, but I am going to have a good time as myself no matter what. So I danced. I laughed. I joked. But I mostly danced, even if it was by myself. I think that confidence made all the difference to me. I received compliments on my dress, my earrings, and was even told I was a fantastic time to dance with. Too bad I didn’t catch the bouquet though :P

Unfortunately I couldn’t find my camera so I didn’t get any full body pictures for comparison from last year…

Besides, the people that are judging me for how I look now don’t know the work I am putting in to be healthy. And they’re just not worth worrying about.

When I got out of the shower earlier I stood and looked at my body for a little while. I can see the difference after losing almost 60 lbs, but I know I have a long way to go. There are a lot of things about my body that I still don’t like, but I know that I can do something about it. My scars from surgery are almost gone, they’re basically just small red marks of healing skin. To be honest I had never thought I would ever be able to lose my weight and love myself. I was almost at the point where I accepted that I would always be fat, and I would just have to settle for being that way. I had almost lost hope that anyone would actually want to be with someone who looked like me and so would be simply by myself, or settle for for someone who was just alright with me. How could someone really love me when I didn’t even love myself?

I am so glad that I made the choice to make a difference in my life. And that I have found support to help me continue on the right track. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things about my life recently - possibly consequence of the psychological changes of losing weight (I am a nerdy psych major). I of course can’t help but think of the impact this will have on any future relationship I will have. I want to be with someone who wants to be healthy as well and will be supportive in my choices. I was joking with my best friend and said that I wasn’t particularly looking for someone right now because I wanted to work on myself and look and feel better about who I am. He joked back and said I should find someone now so they would have seen me at my worse and as I was only getting better. :P

But in all honestly it’s hard not to think about what I want in a relationship. I am 26 (halfway to 27!) and haven’t seriously been in a healthy relationship. I think before I didn’t really know what I wanted or needed. I felt I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. Now that I am finding myself, I feel that I’m finding how I want my life to be as well. I want someone who I can spend time with, but we don’t have to do everything together. I still want to be myself, and I want them to be themselves as well. We don’t have to be together all the time - it would just be nice to know that I was on their minds. I want to be intimate, be able to talk about whatever. Intelligent conversations, silly conversations. To be able to go for a run together (when I get to the point of running, which I am actually looking forward to (which is the weirdest thing for me to say considering I haven’t run since I was a really little kid) because running affords a feeling of freedom that you can’t really get anywhere else). To be able to play video games together (because I will always be a nerd, it’s just part of me). I think I crave that support now, even though I still want to be able to rely on myself.

I feel like a 6th grader saying this, but I actually have this annoying crush that my emotions won’t stop popping into my head. Who has a crush at 26?! Haha, fortunately for me I am good at focusing on my thoughts rather than my emotions so it hasn’t really gotten in the way. It’s a silly juvenile thing that I’m not worrying too much about now because I have more important things to worry about (like going for a nice long walk this afternoon in the gorgeous weather!).

I’m going to play a little Diablo 3 since it is my Saturday, then later go for a walk. Planning on walking to the gym for a workout tomorrow. I need to start some strength training to tone up these muscles and cut into my fat. So far I have only really been doing elliptical and the stationary bicycle because I can effectively get my heart rate up and keep a pretty sustained workout. For now it’s good because it’s more physical activity than I ever used to get in my life. I know I need to add more though, I can’t just be complacent with doing just that!