Losing It :: Finding Me

evolveevlove: Loving it :)

evolveevlove — Sat, 16 Mar 2013 14:01:19 -0400

evolveevlove:

Loving it :)

Needed a bit of motivation and an update for my board.

evolveevlove — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 23:23:43 -0500

Needed a bit of motivation and an update for my board.

I had the same thing happen to me but I was at work when the pain started. I work with a bunch of post op girls and they knew something was wrong even though I didn't want to go to the ED. They said the same thing, probably my gallbladder but they really couldn't tell unless I had another attack. My surgeon said try to look for patters like if you eat something in particular and it comes on or if it's at a certain time, things like that. I hope for the both of us it was just a one time thing!

evolveevlove — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 22:47:25 -0500

That would be scary to have a work! I agree and hope that it was just a one time thing! Thank you for the advice on looking for patterns, I will keep that in mind if it does happen again. :)

[Blame it On the Holiday :: Losing, Finding, Feeling]

evolveevlove — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 22:45:51 -0500

These thoughts have been bouncing around my head for a little while now. Usually popping up at the most inconvenient of times, such as in the middle of the night at 3am when I’m trying to sleep. This post will not be majorly (if really at all) related to weight loss per se, but rather focusing on an introspective view of my feelings on, well, feelings. Learning to find oneself and express oneself through these changes are also important, and perhaps the details of my particular relationships and thoughts on love and emotions aren’t outright beneficial to readers, they are a way for me to discover and express many things that I keep locked inside and hid behind my excess layers of weight. As I discover who I really am I am also discovering what I want, don’t want, and feel. I’m questioning, as everyone seems to at some point or points in their lives, what it means to love, and be loved. By others and yourself.

So I basically blame this post on the upcoming holiday (check the post date and you’ll know!) and just the fact that I’m a 27 year old who is just beginning to love herself. Forgive the purely stream-of-consciousness writing as I’ve thought these thoughts many times but never organized them into a physical space. And god only knows that vast wilderness of thoughts I toss around in my head day to day.

First off, I find that I am a person who more often than not thinks over and takes into account what is logical, sound, or makes sense. I may do things on a whim and may not plan, but these whims are generally controlled by a sense of free-spirited and carefree nature that I possess rather than on the whimsy of emotion. Of course there’s a fine line there, but in general when there is a strong emotion involved I feel myself pushing away from that emotion and looking toward a more intellective state of mind. Emotions feel raw: anger, hate, love. Sometimes they don’t make sense, you feel something just because, no real explanation to be had. It’s just there and you cannot give it reason. This makes them hard go grasp and have an understanding of, and I like to understand why.

Which is why it drives me to the point of insanity that I feel trapped between a silent battle of head and heart. It should be a simple matter of “I like someone, they don’t like me, it’s unrequited, okay, so move on” and “someone wants to try being with you and spend more time with you, you should put yourself into that and see where it goes.” Yet it’s never as simple as that!

I’ve had a thing for a guy for quite a while now (it’s obnoxious how long, really. I must border ‘pathologically pining-after’ - if that were a term). I know he doesn’t like me. It’s pretty obviously one-sided on my part, and as we’ve been friends for quite a while, he graciously doesn’t act awkward about it if he knows. Now I’m okay with that, really I am. It’s just that for some reason my heart doesn’t get the hint. No matter what I do, no matter how many times I’ve rationally pointed out to myself the reality of the situation, there’s always that stupid flutter of hope that won’t die. That thinks we’ve got enough in common that maybe someday it could work out. And maybe I wouldn’t argue with you, heart, but that’s just the way it is. Painfully obviously unrequited. Get over it, and let me move on.

Then on the other hand there’s my mind. Generally my go-to (it’s often less crazy than my heart). But for some reason I have this rational, mutual relationship (sort of, details in a moment), but I just don’t feel satisfied. Maybe it’s because when my stupid head and heart are at war I can’t ever give my all, or maybe I’m discovering that this isn’t where I want to be right now? I don’t rightly know.

So there’s this guy that I used to hang out almost 2 years ago, pretty casual, kind of functioning like friends with benefits at times. That fell through for some reason or another (I’m still not clear on what exactly transpired to change everything, it’s not like we fought or really hung out enough to consider it a break up) and have been casual gaming friends ever since. Hung out once every couple of weeks or so over the last few years, and I was fine to leave it at that. There were many other things I was focusing on during the last two years including my surgery and lifestyle and life planning changes to come, that I kept most everything else in the back of my mind regarding relationships and my feelings.

Back in about November-ish of this past year he started wanting to hang out with me more and expressed more than just platonic interest in me. I wasn’t seeing anyone and though why not give it a try? You never know if you don’t give someone a chance. It made logical sense to me, he was interested in slowly starting something, and I won’t deny that we do enjoy time spent together. I also figured it would help quash that little heart voice, or make it change it’s tune (tough luck).

So we’re not actually in a relationship; I wanted clarification of what point we were at so that I knew what I should put in and expect out. We’re not dating, not boyfriend/girlfriend, because we’re both concentrating on some of the stressors of life first. We hang out once, maybe twice a week, generally make dinner and hang out and enjoy the company. He’s not much of a digital communicator, although I am. I like to text and flirt and just have ongoing dialogue here and there throughout the day. We do message here and there but I feel a little disconnected at times. I almost feel like I might be just settling because it’s easier than fighting and longing for someone. Yet at the same time I’ve lived with complacency and it kept me morbidly obese for 27 years - I’m someone different now.

He wants to do something for valentine’s, but I have no idea what. Likely nothing more than usual, which is okay since I wouldn’t know what to do otherwise. To be honest I’ve never actually celebrated a valentine’s day with anyone before.

I feel a little like I’m not being fair. I’m trying to be connected and little by little emotionally invest, but it’s hard when no matter what you do your heart refuses to comply. And basically I struggle with my emotions and don’t know how to actually connect with someone.

It feels so complicated to simply want what everyone else wants. Sometimes I wonder why I’m 27 and am no closer to being in love with someone while there are others to whom it just falls naturally. Some days I just want someone to sit in the same room, just to know they’re there. To spend the night together for the warmth and companionship (this does not happen in my current situation), to just know that someone is there to support you even if it’s with a text.

Perhaps I’ve just got it all wrong and all of those ideals are just not meant for me. Emotion, as I’ve mentioned, is entirely not my forte.

Psychoanalyzing here, I think some of my discomfort with love is that I’ve never truly loved myself, until recently. It was always hard for me to find redeeming qualities about myself that didn’t feel empty or contrived. Now that I’ve lost my weight and made strides dealing with my social inhibitions and anxieties, I finding that the person here is someone I actually love. And not just physically! Yes, it is indescribably to finally be someone guys think are attractive when don’t think they’re simply lying to my face to get something. I didn’t respect myself, I was willing to throw my self-respect away if it meant that someone wanted to be near me. Now I know that I deserve someone who respects my body, respects that I have worked hard to change it and will continue to work hard to continue improving it. I feel like I can express myself more without being first outwardly judged and belittled. And even if those people want to judge and belittle me, I’m still worth it.

So I’m sill struggling head versus heart, thought versus emotion. In the spirit of the holiday I wish all of you who have found a significant other a fantastic day together, as well as days that aren’t valentine’s day! I don’t hold a grudge against the day or those lucky enough to have found their happy co-dependance. I look forward to perhaps one day experiencing what it is like.

[Roll With the Punches]

evolveevlove — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 20:58:57 -0500

Sometimes you have to stop and reflect on things that happen in life that at the time they happen all rational thought flees and all you have is the pure, unaltered emotion of the moment.

On January 30th, a simple evening like any other, I experienced what was one of the most frightening moments of my life - to the point that I thought I might not make it to the morning. It started out simple enough, arrived home from work, made myself some dinner, and was just hanging around the apartment not doing much. I went to the bathroom, and as I went to stand up after finishing, a sharp pain coursed through the right side of my body, radiating from below my ribs all the way up my right arm and shoulder. My sister, who had just arrived home from work, came in to see me walking half bent over to my room, complaining of the intense side pain. I laid back on my bed and the pressure seemed to relieve a bit, so we chatted for a few minutes before I proceeded to just fall asleep on my bed (this was around 8:30pm).

Now I admit that ever since I had my surgery almost 11 months ago, I’ve been much more attuned to the goings on of my stomach and intestinal tract because there’s always that small voice that worries that something is wrong. Oh no, maybe there’s a tear? Is something stuck? A stricture and something can’t pass through correctly? We are warned of all the possibilities of things that could potentially happen or go wrong, that sometimes you can’t help but pass these thoughts through your mind. It’s much more of a lifestyle change than one might think.

Assurance that it was just a fluke pain combined with my over exhaustion from stress and general malaise of the winter months, I slept until about midnight.

And that was when it woke me. One of the worst pains I have ever felt in my entire life; my entire abdomen, stomach, chest, everything hurt. Breathing was hard, I was dizzy, shaky, drenched in sweat, and could barely articulate my thoughts. I just knew something was wrong and it terrified me that I felt so helpless. I sat on my bed attempting to not panic and assess whether I was alright enough to stay, or if the pain was just to great. At that time I ranked the pain about a 7 or 8 on a 1-10 scale. I can’t even describe it now, it was like being punched in the gut over and over with sharp aches radiating up my back and shoulder, through my chest, and down through my lower abdomen. With the pain in my upper abdomen I was terrified that something had happened in my ‘pouch’ of a stomach, or my intestines, and that surgery might be required.

The pain didn’t subside after a minute and actually felt to be getting worse, so I stumbled my way to my sister’s room (thank god I live with her and she was home, because otherwise I don’t know what I would’ve done at the time). After the fact she told me I was much paler than normal (she even compared me to the walls at the emergency department). I shakily managed to tell her that something was wrong, and that as much as I would rather not to, I felt that it warranted a trip to the emergency department to get checked out, just in case it was something serious.

She helped me get dressed into some nearby workout clothes, sneakers and my jacket, helped guide me down the stairs to her car, and kept me talking so I wouldn’t pass out in her car on the trip over.

By the time we actually reached the emergency department the pain had lessened a bit and became more abdomen-centralized. I was beginning to feel bad that I had dragged my sister out of bed and the entire way to the ED to sit with me for 4+ hours and was battling that against the fear that something was terribly wrong with me. The ED was fairly empty when we arrived so it didn’t take long to get us into a room where a doctor assessed where my pain was, which turned out to be predominantly in my right side below my ribs - right where your gallbladder rests.

After my nurse caused me to bleed all over the place while putting in my IV (she was a bit on the rough side, but once the pain meds were in I honestly didn’t care), blood draws, getting multiple abdominal x-rays, drinking some lovely red tap water (contrast) and waiting 2 hours for a CT scan, everything came back normal. Which was good, because it meant that my stomach and my intestines were fine. He explained that it was possibly a gallbladder stone or inflammation of my gallbladder, which can be a common occurrence in patient’s after gastric bypass. Many times patient’s have their gallbladder removed. I was glad that at that time I didn’t immediately need it removed. The x-rays and CT weren’t the best way to look at the gallbladder, so I have to follow up with my surgeon to let him know and possibly get an ultrasound to see if it is indeed the culprit.

Now fortunately the result of what I thought was life-threatening (who wouldn’t think that when they felt almost like they were having a heart attack?) turned out to be painful but not too grim. I will most definitely recognize that pain if it happens again, and know that I can take some pain medications to help ease that pain. Once I follow up with my surgeon I will also know a bit more about the nature of the situation and how it can be dealt with. I do wonder what triggered the event, however. I know that the gallbladder has something to do with how we process fats - did I happen to just eat something that my body couldn’t handle that night? Or is it something that just can sometimes happen?

And speaking of health and digestion, I am just recovering from one of the worst gastrointestinal bugs I have ever had the displeasure of encountering. Started Friday night with painful stomach/intestinal cramps (different than the pain from last week, however!). These were more painful, and constant, and basically did not allow me to get over 2 hours of consecutive sleep time. Coupled with dry heaving (I had nothing to vomit as I hadn’t really eaten much that night and my stomach only holds a small portion in it) and later diarrhea, it’s safe to say I was dehydrated within 24 hours. It was a surreal weekend, to say the least. Everyone around me was concerned with the crazy blizzard and winds that tossed a good share of snow on top of us, and I was barely even aware that anything was happening outside my bed. I did, however, lose approximately 7 or 8 pounds from that illness. Worst way to lose weight ever. I was at 177.8 at my lowest, but am back up to around 180, which indicates to me that I’ve gained a good amount of my water back. It terrifies me to lose weight and gain it back, but I know that that weight loss wasn’t healthy at all.

Sometimes life just punches you in the stomach. And then punches you in the stomach again for good measure.

Looking back at all this, however, I realize I have not been taking good enough care of myself. I’ve been stressed out with work, skipping lunch because we’re understaffed and I’m trying to cover as much as I can, and when I do eat it usually isn’t something of appropriate nutrient value or caloric value to keep me going throughout the day. I’ll eat a quick 100-calorie soup for lunch that isn’t exactly the most substantial meal. Most days I run out the door and miss breakfast, or I’ll grab a greek yogurt and then not eat until I get home after work, at which time I throw together something quick. I do try to keep protein at the forefront of my mind when making meals and make better attempts at including protein sources, but sometimes I’m sacrificing other healthy choices because I’m tired and it’s just easier to make a mini bagel pizza than to cook up some chicken and vegetables.

This time of year always drags me down, too. I enjoy the snow a bit, but the cold and the dreary days just make me feel down and out. I can’t have my window open because it’s just too cold and I miss the fresh air and sunshine. I think my immune system has been out of whack for a little while due to the ongoing stress of the last few months, and things are just catching up to me in major ways. I’m not going to the gym nearly as much as I want to, especially since the ED incident and now my stomach flu. I’m hoping to refresh and roll with these punches in the upcoming days. These down days will happen, and I can’t let them tear apart everything I’ve worked for. I’m finally beginning to love who I am (even if I this loose skin is silly!) and I want to keep that feeling going!

Life may not give you a break and just keep throwing those punches at your stomach. Roll with them and keep going!

I’m no longer obese BMI-wise, but overweight! This is fantastic since I used to be morbidly...

evolveevlove — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 21:15:22 -0500

I’m no longer obese BMI-wise, but overweight! This is fantastic since I used to be morbidly obese. Next goal: healthy BMI. :)

[Aspects of Me : Losing, Finding, Physical]

evolveevlove — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 22:46:00 -0500

It has been ages since my last post, and not for lack of any changes.

As of last weigh-in I am down to 187 lbs. That, when compared to the massive 315 I used to weigh, is amazing. I simply cannot forget that. The way I feel versus the way I used to feel even one year ago is astounding. You cannot fathom the difference until you actually live it (and I plan on continuing in my health!). About 128 pounds down; doing a bit of quick math that comes out to about 40% of my total body weight lost from my biggest.

Size-wise I’m down from women’s 24-26 to 16 (possibly 14 as the pairs of 16s I have now are beginning to fit rather loosely in some areas!), and XXL to M/L depending on the brand/fit. I feel invigorated, happier, and have more energy than ever before - I feel like “myself” more than I ever have in my entire life.

I set up this blog to talk about all aspects of my weight loss journey - as I lose the physical pounds of fat I have also begun to make changes and take steps to literally find myself - both the physical person I want to be and who I am discovering is really the me inside and the me I portray to those around me. A large part of this is psychological, mindful, and emotional. I plan on tackling many of the aspects of these in forthcoming posts (including one focused mainly on love, emotions, and relationships (I blame the upcoming holiday), which feel free to skip as it’ll mostly consist of introspective ramblings on my part); so in this one I’m going to focus a little more on the physical. I’ll delve into some psychological and interpersonal as well as a personal achievement over a lifelong struggle with social anxiety again in another, less fitness-related post.

Keep in mind that these are all a part of me, and my overall health, and are an integral part of how I’ve changed as a person both physically and mentally. I would not have been able to successfully keep up my continued progress were it not for changes and adaptations to both my corporeal and mental lifestyles.

Can you tell that I have a background in psychology? :)

But enough about the ins and outs. Let me just spring into what has been going on in the last few months regarding my weight loss. As I stated before, numerically I am down to approximately 187 pounds. I say approximately because I’ve been on a plateau for the past two weeks or so, where my weight will fluctuate down to 185 one day and the next will be 188. On average when I step on the scale I see 187 or 186-point-something, so let’s just call it 187 for consistency’s sake. The last I posted a weight update was December 10th (time flies!) and I was down to 200.5. As you can clearly see, December treated me well.

It was actually quite surreal, to be honest. I’m not entirely sure what prompted the mass loss in those few weeks of December leading up and into the new year. I cried the day I consistently weighed under 200 (something that I hadn’t seen on a scale since I was middle-school aged). The 190s were a blur. Perhaps I was extra motivated to hit and progress beyond my goal, or perhaps it had nothing to do with anything specific I did those weeks - I don’t really know.

Yet, as things tend to go, that massive drop in weight has followed with a massive fluctuate-around-the-same-number plateau. As many of you likely know from experience, a plateau is extremely disheartening, especially after watching the numbers fall so quickly for a time. I’ve felt stuck in a bit of a rut the last few weeks now. Things have been overly stressful at work for me as we are down some integral staff members and I am cross-trained to cover a lot of these positions all at once (not to mention flu season is fully upon us, creating a busier atmosphere and higher coworker call-outs due to illness). I’ve been feeling a bit under appreciated because many people seem to not understand the amount of background work I actually do for the office on a daily basis. But this is not a post about that! This stress has undoubtedly seeped its way into my outside-of-work lifestyle and, all excuses aside, I know I have made some poor fitness and health choices alongside it.

On average I get to the gym about three times a week in the mornings with my mother, who drives in from about an hour away for work in the city in which I live. Outside of that I have definitely not met my fitness goals. My hand weights lay unused by my bed, and my Wii Fit stored safely on its shelf (sans wiimotes, which I have inadvertently lost at a friend’s place and need to prioritize finding).

Yet I am continuing to go to the gym! Every week I up the weight or number of reps I do. I tell myself I can do one more, then one more again. I up the level on the elliptical and keep going a minute longer. Because even if I fall behind on home goals, I can still make a difference when I do get to the gym. I can’t let myself get too discouraged, because that will only push me back and make it easier for me to stop and just give up. Now that I’ve gotten so far, I don’t want to ever go back.

The last few weeks I have received an increase in people mentioning that I definitely look like I have lost a lot of weight and look good. Or that I’m melting away and am soon to disappear! :) So even if the scale isn’t telling me I’m doing a good job, there are those out there who are. And I can physically see the difference in my body; from trying on a shirt and seeing the difference in a mirror, pants that were a little snug now fitting loosely, and looking myself over in the shower and noticing just how thin my upper arms look to finding my hip bones to not having calves made simply of fat but now of muscle. The amount of loose skin is incredible. It’s something I currently struggle with. It’s not to the point where it inhibits me, but I just cannot stand how it looks. Most especially my arms and my stomach. My arms would be so thin if it weren’t for the large blob of hanging skin and fat that hasn’t fully resolved. I know that it’s a step in the process, but one can’t help but be a bit self-conscious of how it appears! So there’s definitely some targeted work in my future, and perhaps a serious talk about skin removal.

Physically I am happy where I am going. I love how I feel - I go shopping, try something on, and love how it looks on me! I feel like I can be more myself, almost like the layers of fat were covering more than just skeleton, muscle, and organs. I desire to try and explore new things and am more willing to do so because I’m not worried about not physically being able to do so.

That aspect of my journey is going well, with its ups and downs of course. I do have a story to tell about an emergency department visit I had a little less than a week ago, but I’m going to save that for another post as this is getting lengthy.

This most certainly is not the end. Only the beginning of my new life.

l.e.o.p.a.r.d

evolveevlove — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 06:10:08 -0500

l.e.o.p.a.r.d

Never though I’d see the days where my legs DIDN’T touch when...

evolveevlove — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 07:56:00 -0500

Never though I’d see the days where my legs DIDN’T touch when just sitting.

Photo

evolveevlove — Sun, 27 Jan 2013 18:19:32 -0500

"Don’t fear moving slowly forward. Fear standing still."

evolveevlove — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 21:31:47 -0500

““Don’t fear moving slowly forward. Fear standing still.””

evolveevlove: I’m beginning to see some shape in my legs! :)

evolveevlove — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:45:13 -0500

evolveevlove:

I’m beginning to see some shape in my legs! :)

[Weight Update]

evolveevlove — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 18:00:59 -0500

As of about 10 minutes ago on my work scaled I weighed in at 200.5!! My goal is to get below 200 by my birthday (the 21st!), so I think I can achieve it! 115 pounds down and so much more life to go! I’ll do a more formal update soon when I can gather a chunk of time :)

evolveevlove: The cutest sugar cookies ever! Instead of eating...

evolveevlove — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 20:52:02 -0500

evolveevlove:

The cutest sugar cookies ever! Instead of eating one I opted to take a picture of them <3

[Quick Thanks - Down 110lbs]

evolveevlove — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 18:59:21 -0500

Just weighed myself on our work scale - 205.6 pounds! That equates to 109.4 pounds lost from my highest point. Losing about 110 pounds, being able to fit into size 16s (and shrinking!)… it’s so amazing it makes me want to cry. Those who know me know I’m not one to be moved to emotion easily, especially crying. I have always dreamed of days where I wasn’t morbidly obese, where I didn’t hate my body. And now I’m actually doing it for myself. It’s an amazing revelation. I remember the shocked feeling I felt even after losing 50 pounds. I know I can do it. I can keep doing it. And I will.

Thank you. Everyone who has ever said a kind word, encouraged me, gave me a reason to believe that I can change myself. You know who you are - those of you who take the few minutes to read my little ramblings, those of you both near and far who are willing to spare a minute and send a good word my way. Thank you :) It may not be easy, but it’s worth it!

[NOvember - Getting My Ass Kicked and Kicking it Right Back]

evolveevlove — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 18:28:50 -0500

I’ve been down with a typical cold for the last 2 weeks and it totally kicked my ass! I had been planning on writing a blog about how I hadn’t gotten sick in over a year and how great it was that my health was improving in more ways than just my weight. I still believe that losing weight and eating healther foods has byfar been the best thing I have done for my overall health, including resistance to common colds and illnesses. The last time I actually remember being down with a cold was February of 2011, and that was far worse than this time around!

Unfortunately I haven’t stepped foot in the gym since the Monday after coming down with the bug. That Monday I went in feeling crappy and did as best I could; sad to say it wasn’t much. But I’d like to look at it as at least I went and tried! November was going to be my fresh kick-it-up-a-notch month. I’ve been feeling like I am just not doing as much as I can or should be able to at this point. I do have some restrictions on my schedule due to lack of transportation and work schedule, but I’d rather not use them as excuses. They’re simply roadblocks that I have to work on getting around.

So I supposed it’s better late than never to start NOvember! A fellow blogger posted “NO Excuses, NO Junk, NO Quitting, November” and it really struck me as something I wanted to do for myself. NO more excuses as to why I “can’t”, NO more junk in my body, NO quitting! This is my life and I want it to be me doing what I can to be healthy and love it!

I did lose 3 lbs over the weekend before last, but I think it was basically because I didn’t eat and slept for two days straight. Not quite the way I intend to lose my excess poundage!

A few small goals for the next few months:

-Increase cardio from ~60 mins 3x a week to 5x a week.
-Increase strength to at least 20 mins a day. C’mon, I can lift my small weights for 20 mins a day no problem!
-Watch protein, fat, carb, and calorie intakes a little closer, especially with food-driven holidays around the corner!
-Practice driving and mail in my road test application by December 31st. That’s right, I’m giving myself a deadline, which is something I never do. Ready or not, it’s going in the mail then.
-Goal weight of under 200 lbs by Dec 21st, my 27th birthday.
-Set a daily wake-up time and stick with it. I’ve basically had enough of sleeping in til noon and wasting all of my days. Even if I don’t have to be at work until 11:30 I should still be able to get up at a reasonable time like 7.
-Spend more time with my friends. May seem unrelated, but I find that my mood and motivation is improved when I spend time with my friends, even if it’s basically doing nothing or just going to dinner, over when I spend time by myself. I love my ‘me’ time, but I also find that the longer I spend by myself, the more likely I am to just sit on my ass and not get anything done. If I spend time by myself, I should at least be going out and doing something some of the time!

Just a few goals for myself to focus on to help me make it through the next few months! I’m just about over this little cold of mine, so it’s definitely back to the gym tomorrow!

Let’s make the end of 2012 worth remembering! :)

lilmissmotivation: especially the NO QUITTING part

evolveevlove — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 11:27:31 -0400

lilmissmotivation:

especially the NO QUITTING part

[The Ups and Downs of Self-Esteem]

evolveevlove — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 19:00:00 -0400

I suppose by nature of being self-esteem, there will always be ups and downs involved. At the beginning of my journey, and for years and years before, I had low self-esteem. I disliked myself to the very core - to me there was no redeeming quality that made me a worthwhile person. And, as vicious cycles are prone to do, these patterns of thought and low self-esteem made it incredibly difficult for me to make new friends and surround myself with that which would make me feel self-important. Around and around it went - I thought poorly of myself, and as a result treated myself poorly (such as overeating, not caring about my weight and health, not giving 100% of myself in what I did). By treating myself poorly I didn’t portray to others that I was worth it, and as such never received reinforcement that I was, in fact, worth something.

Now fast forward to today. Halloween. One of my favorite holidays and times of the year. When you can dress up and be someone other than yourself, dress outrageously and how you may not normally because the box gets thrown out the window. As I mentioned previously, I had made myself a goal of bringing my weight down to a solid 215 by Halloween, which would put me at 100 total pounds lost.

I hit 215 about a week, week and a half ago. Last weigh in was 212.

Sometimes I forget to stop and think of just how amazing that is. I lost 100 pounds. 100 freakin pounds! That was just about a third of my entire body weight when I started this.

So I celebrated by wearing two different sexy costumes to Halloween parties. My self-esteem has never been higher! The weekend before last I dressed in a new little black dress (which admittedly was a little big on me!) with black patterned tights, black heeled boots, and a gorgeous red masquerade mask. I love the dress, it flatters my newly-emerging shapely figure and is very comfortable (I danced for a good chunk of time that night in it!). I also love masquerade masks and masks in general because they can be mysterious, hiding away a part of your face and with it it feels like you can be someone else. That night felt so liberating and free, wearing something that made me feel sexy (because honestly feeling sexy is a huge part of looking sexy!) and comfortable. I was able to go around and talk to basically everyone at the party, even though I only knew about 4 people there to begin with. That is something that I would have never done with my old low self-esteem.

My second costume was debuted last weekend at another Halloween party. The idea for my costume was a demoness (more accurately a succubus, for those of you who know a little mythology) - complete with wings, horns, tail, long nails (basically claws considering the length!), fishnet arm warmers, tight black leggings, a flattering low-cut black top, and heeled black boots, all topped with bold makeup done by my sister and bold black jewelry.

I was really looking forward to wearing my second costume since I had put so much thought and work into it. Now this is where the ups and downs of self-esteem come in. I honestly felt less self-conscious and more comfortable in the shortest dress that I’ve ever worn than in the leggings and top. I actually took a little bit of a blow to my self-esteem at the last Halloween party.

Now I now it’s all fun and games and generally innocent, but we were playing a fun little game where questions of varying degrees of inappropriateness and awkwardness were asked of us. Well of course as luck would have it the question “would you ever have sex with Stephanie?” was posed. Now this is a double-edged sword type of question to hear about oneself. For one, who really wants to know the truth about whether or not your good friends would have sex with you? Yet also, which is what happened to me, if everyone says ‘no’ it’s a bit of a low blow to your self-esteem, at least when thinking about yourself in view of attractiveness. I remember thinking “well, damn” and feeling much less sexy the rest of the night.

I know that obviously no one meant anything by it, but that’s just the curse of self-esteem. Sometimes there are things that just make you feel a little down about yourself, while at other times you feel on top of the world! Truth be told this whole journey has been filled with ups and downs in my confidence, self-esteem, and all other types of emotions. There are those days where you’re just feeling great about your progress, how you’re looking, the successes in both diet and fitness. Someone stops you in the hall and says “you’re looking amazing!” and you step on the scale and it’s lower than expected. Other days you feel like you’ve slipped a little off track, life has put a foot out and tripped you flat onto your face. You hear something that makes you feel unattractive, and that scale just won’t budge off of that same stupid number for the 10th time in a row.

So remember when you are on one of those self-esteem lows that tomorrow is a brand new day, and maybe something will happen to pick you up and make you feel good about yourself again. You are worth it, and if you’re doing this for yourself no one can take that worth away from you!

Speaking of self-esteem highs, I was asked out on a date for Thursday night! Now I’ve been kind of out of the dating scene for a while due to working on my own self as well as being afraid to put myself out there due to lack of self-esteem and confidence. So I decided “why not?” I’m carefully optimistic and hope things go well, and a bit nervous as hell. But I’m worth it, even if sometimes I don’t feel like I am. :)

Anyway, I look and feel a lot better than I did at the last Halloween party last year!

evolveevlove: Sneak peek?

evolveevlove — Sat, 20 Oct 2012 12:58:58 -0400

evolveevlove:

Sneak peek?

lilmissmotivation: take it all one day at a time and enjoy the...

evolveevlove — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 07:21:47 -0400

lilmissmotivation:

take it all one day at a time and enjoy the journey ♥